Mara Jade's Crusade
by Alexa Wessner
Summary: This is expanded universe, but still funny. Mara makes pankake's, Luke goes on a diet, Han french braids, and more. keep reading.


Mara Jade's Crusade  
  
(A/N- I don't own Star Wars, obviously because then I would be George Lucas. I'm not getting any money for this (but I wish I did) so don't sue me. Hope you think this is funny. Have a nice day.)  
  
"Wake up!" screamed 19 year old Jacen's twin Jaina. Jacen arose from his bed and went downstairs to eat at his morning breakfast table with his family, and the ghost of Chewbacca, who refused to sit and wouldn't eat. Also no one could see him. Jacen carelessly ran down in his blue and red Spiderman pajamas. "Jacen!" Screamed his mom, Leia at the sight of her son who didn't brush his hair. Even Luke brushed his hair. "Ah!" Screamed back Jacen at the sight of his soccer mom. She was wearing a gray school sweatshirt, jeans, and a boyscout hat. Leia dragged Jacen by his rat nest head of hair back to his room until he properly groomed himself. Once everyone was downstairs for breakfast, Jaina sat on her father's lap. Mara then got extremely jealous of Jaina because now Jaina got to sit on Han's lap in stead of the ugly, beaten up chair. Mara then sat on Luke's lap. Luke was put into shock from the weight that was poured into his seat. He then spit out his pink sparkly poptart and it landed on Jacen's face. Jaina licked up Luke's regurgitated poptart off Jacen's face and spit it back a Luke. Sadly he caught it and so did Mara. Today was going to be a big day. Jacen and Mara went to see Attack of the Clones, Jaina and Luke were doing stuff that freaks do who have no life, and Leia and Han are on a diplomatic mission. (A/N-You know, one of those stupid idiotic missions in these movies made 25 years ago, with horrible special effects.) Back to the story. Jacen and Mara came out of the movie theaters. "That was a great! My grandparents were so cool. My grandpa was Hayden Christinson, and my grandma couldn't run." added Jacen. (A/N- that was an inside joke because in AOTC, Natalie Portman ran weird.) "Yeah that was a really good movie. Yoda was so cool." Replied Mara. "He can so kick Dooku's butt! Ha Ha Dooku! That's a funny word! Dooku Dooku!" Said Jacen like a cooku clock. Jaina and Luke decided to play a sport. Out of millions of sports they picked curling. That's a sport where you have to hit this big disk around an ice rink with broomsticks. And oh yeah, it's a Canadian sport. So they decided to play since Luke's father was a Canadian. AKA- Hayden Christinson. "I won," screamed Jaina with excitement. "No you didn't you cheated. Jaina that's not fair!" Luke whined in the whiny high pitch voice of his. "So! It's a rule. I can cheat. You don't even know how to play curling." " Well I didn't cheat so it's not fair." Replied Luke. "Fine be that way. You won." settled Jaina, even though she knew she did win and was going to tell everybody that. After Han and Leia came back from there Diplomatic Mission, everyone met back at the house. Accept Jacen. He was lost in space! Now Anikan his brother had died, and Jacen was lost. Han and Luke decided to torture a turkey. They took it and plucked its feathers and broke its wings. Than they stabbed it until it cried out brutally in pain and they roasted it over a fire live. This reminded Luke of the time he cried out in pain when the Emperor electrocuted him, mostly because the Emperor looked like a turkey. This reminded Han of the time he ate a turkey sandwich. Luke decided he didn't like food and solemnly sweared not to eat food again. Jaina decided she was getting fat and she joined Jenny Craig. See the problem is Jaina thought you didn't have to exercise and you can eat anything you want and the joining its self would make you skinny. She gained 30 pounds in the process. This went on for a long time. Luke was slowly withering away and went from 105 pounds with a 20-inch waist, to 25 pounds and a 5-inch waist. Jaina on the other had been gaining too much weight. She went from 125 pounds with a 23-inch waist to 205 pounds and a 41-inch waist. Both of them had either gained or lost too much weight in a short period of time. They had to go to the hospital and they put some of Jaina's fat in Luke to make up the lost weight. Everyone was now back to normal. Now that they were back to normal, Jaina decided to visit her mother Leia. She did and they both ate sugar cookies together with chopsticks until there was a knock on the door. It was Leia's dead son Anikan. "Anikan! Did I give you permission to die! Oh your father's going to be pissed. Probably beat you up once or twice." Leia yelled. Anikan disappeared and went away. All of a sudden Jacen came back! "Daddy I missed you! I'm not lost anymore." Jacen went to hug him and Han lifted him up his scrawny body and bent back his arms. He then threw punch after punch to his face. Satisfied that his son looked like a bowl of rotten fruit, he let him go. But not with out spitting on him. Han decided it was time to get in touch with his old friend. (A/N- this is where you'd think Lando, well you're wrong.) He decided to bring back Emperor Palpatine! They had a sleepover and painted each other's toenails, French braided each other's hair and cried together with Jacen during Titanic. Downstairs, Mara was making pancakes with Luke and their baby son Ben. "Luke what kind of pancakes do you want. " "Strawberry" "No" "Yes" "No" "Fine buttermilk" "No" "Yes" "No" "Fine walnut" "No" "Yes" "No" "Fine Blueberry" "No" "Yes" "No" "Fine silverdollar" "No" "Yes" "No" "Fine almond" "No" "Yes" "Fine I give in. You can have... Banana." said Mara. Then Ben said his first word. He took his cigarette out of his mouth and said, "Listen here old Man. You can have my strawberry pancakes if I can use the car next Saturday." "No," said Luke, Ben could keep his strawberry waffles. Luke then went upstairs and sat down in the livingroom. He was shocked to see Emperor Palpatine befriending his friend. They had started watching What Women Want together. It was Han's idea because Leia accused him that he didn't know everything about women in Empire Strikes Back and he felt it would be educational. The whole time Emperor Palpatine was eyeing Luke and putting out his shriveled hands looking like a deranged cow that wanted to fry Luke and have Luke chow for Lunch. Later on Ben dropped his Cigarette on the floor. "Pick it up. We only have a few left in the pack. " Said Mara and slapped him. Ben refused and the cigarette set the cheep wood floors on fire. "Fire!" said Mara and her and Jaina left the house and everybody else was burned to death. Han, Leia and Luke had unfinished business. Han had to take out the garbage, Leia had to brush the other side of her hair and Luke was going to the bathroom, and now he had to sanitize his hand. (A/N- Notice how it was HAND. Only one. He doesn't wash his mechanical hand because he'll be electrocuted. ) Jaina went to a Whompa Ice creature beach and learned how to speak Latin. Mara was walking down the sidewalk when giant killer bees came over. They were wearing, Juicy Couture Jackets, Doulce and Guabanna Jeans, and Abercrombie and Fitch shirts. They said, "Where like gonna like take you down to the like bee place." And Mara and the fashion bees went on a crusade.  
  
(A/N- Hey I'd like to thank my friend Leeann for helping me with this, and of course I'd like to thank all the readers. Thanks.) 


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